Let me tell you something about going to a cricket match. You pay about 70 notes to watch a very slow game from a considerable distance. You have to provide your own entertainment by gambling hoards of money, trying to start a mexican wave and drinking an immoderate amount of Red Stripe. Unless someone like Kevin Pietersen is at the crease, switch hitting sixes over the long off boundary, or getting out first ball, then you can quite easily sleep through the afternoon unperturbed by the middle class grunting and scoffing on salmon and cucumber sandwiches. The ECB have committed an absolute howler by retiring Kevin Pietersen. Here are some other greats of our day that were shunned by the talentless corporates and their petty meddling.

PAUL GASCOIGNE – Glen Hoddle turned his back on Gazza, omitting one of the most skillful players of our time from the 1998 World Cup squad. Ok So he had a drinking problem, so he turned up to every training game clutching a can of strongbow, lighting a fag with the butt of another. What of it? He was the best player in the team and do you know who made the plane over to France in his place? David Batty. And do you know who missed the final penalty that put us out against the Argies? David Batty. Nice one Hoddle, keep hammering those cheques from from 4th division Spanish teams for academy of rejects you douche.

ALEX HIGGINS – This one was a crippler. Alex Higgins wasn’t quite in the same league as Canadian Bill Werbinick who’d hammer 16 pints during a session of snooker. But he’d easily sink a few G&T’s and smoke a 20 pack before head butting an official before attending a press conference. Snookers governing body wanted Higgins out of the sport. They cut his ranking points, banned him from tournament play for a season and just made him disappear. When asked if he could survive without snooker Higgins replied ‘Can snooker live without me?’ The answer was no.

MUHAMMED ALI – One of the greatest fighters to ever pick up the gloves was stripped of his world title and banned for three years by the professional boxing commission because he refused to go fight the Vietcong. Now boxing isn’t like racing shetland ponies, you don’t get to pad out a career into your late fifties, you really only have a small window for which to peak. Plus who in their right mind would want to go to Vietnam? Some people are still over there fighting that war that’s how bad it is. It’s like being told to drink horrible apple sour shots by an alpha male and then suffering a 3 day hangover as a result. Yes it’s exactly like that.

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